A. Infidelity is a complicated issue. You must regain trust in your relationship or there is no marriage. Trust is the foundation that holds it together. While it would be nice to understand why your husband cheated, it is a subject matter that is sometimes quite difficult to articulate. Making it worse is the fact that he may not really know "why". It might be a feeling and that is completely different than having an intellectual understanding that can be explained to oneself or to others. For this reason, it would be quite helpful to understand why men cheat. 1 in 2.7 men will cheat. One of my favorite authors on the subject is marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman. Now, I don't agree with everything that he says but overall I think he has some of the best information on the subject out there. Neuman says men cheat because of: Loneliness in their relationship or marriage. Affirmation from "the other woman." Not enough attention at home. He continues by saying that the women men cheat with make them feel valued, secure, and appreciated. "Men love to win," says Neuman. "If you want to make men feel secure, make them feel like they're winning." The men who had affairs said that they felt like they couldn't win at home or in their marriage. I truly believe that this can worked out but it will require work by both of you. Read Neuman's book "The Truth about Cheating". Then start an open dialogue with your husband that is completely void of judgment. Judgment based on past hurt will not help you move forward, indeed it will just hold you back and keep the truth at bay.

A. Well you have several issues going on here. The first thing you need to do is ask him what needs to happen for him to drop the age issue. It is not an issue for you but it is becoming one. He will have to reconcile this within himself in order for you both to move forward. The truth is there may always be differences, but most of them will probably be cultural not spiritual or emotional (the things that really matter). If indeed he does think he is holding you back, I would be concerned that he is taking on the role of a parent. It's not up to him to decide what is best for you. If he truly sees you as an equal that shouldn't happen. Lastly, if he doesn't like your friends, you might just have to see them separately.

Addressing the marriage issue, which I consider different than a dating situation, there are a few things you might need to consider. Ten years difference in age means ten years of additional life experience you don't have. He may have more experience in handling finances and in making decisions you haven't had to make. You both need to honor his strengths and experience so it can be used for the betterment of your relationship. There will a point where ten years age difference is nothing. That time is just not now.

A. I am not sure that you can help him at all. He needs to get in the present moment. It is impossible to experience love when fear takes its place as the primary emotion. The family life you have together with this new baby doesn't have to be anything like his personal experience in the past. You and he have the power to create something completely different.

Getting excited about the moment is up to him. If he can't get there on his own, he probably needs professional help. You can remind him that "this is this and that was that" and that they are not the same. Other than that, getting present has to be his journey. He will have to figure out how he is going to arrive at one of the greatest experiences he will ever have with an open mind and an open heart. You simply can't do it for him. In the mean time, you need to not let him effect one moment of your joy and excitement. You certainly have plenty to be excited about. Congratulations.

A. Yes. Not because your partner watches porno but because your partner kept a secret, any secret. Your partner should be comfortable enough to share anything with you. A secret would bring into question if there is anything else that has been withheld. Some people like porno some don't. I'm sure your partner liked it before you ever met. The porno isn't about you. He may have some shame around it which is why he was uncomfortable sharing it. You won't know until you both talk about it without getting caught on the "porno" being the main issue. It may feel like it to you, but it isn't.

A.The bigger question is do you want one? There is a great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The premise of the book is that people express love in different ways. From your description it sounds like your guy is an acts of service guy and not a guy that gives words of affirmation or physical affection. I have read many relationship books and in my opinion, most of them don't hold much value. This one is an exception and it is at the top of my list of recommendations. It sounds to me like Jack loves you but doesn't express in a way that you get it. This book addresses this issue very well.

No one can count on a long-term relationship. All we really have is the moment. We can have the desire that it last "forever" but the truth is all relationships are "terminal". Maybe they last 70 years but in the end one partner will probably depart before the other. Some relationships are great "for now", then one person grows and the relationship doesn't work anymore. Moving on is not a process to be feared. If each partner got what they needed, then it might be time to grow in separate situations. People often stay in relationships too long because of their fears. Sometimes getting out is a better answer because you are doing it to free yourself and your partner to live a life that works better. Freeing yourself and your partner when it is time is the ultimate act of love.

I hope you have a long term relationship if you are both truly happy. If you are not, I hope you move on with grace.

A. Are you kidding? It sounds like you are a straight woman in an abusive financially draining gay relationship. Is there any part of this relationship that makes sense? Why would you pick such a thing much less stay in it? Do you think you deserve such a horrible existence? I don't think anyone deserves that.

Get out now. I can't imagine that you have anything to grieve here. Where is the loss? You should feel nothing but free. Trust isn't about others, it is about trusting yourself. You need to trust that you have learned what you needed to learn and you are done with not deserving. Decide abusive relationships are not okay with you any longer and you will never pick another one. You will have to trust that if a relationship is wrong you are smart enough to get out. Lastly, you should listen to your friends who obviously care how you are treated and don't want you to suffer one day longer.

A. His having an emotional relationship with someone else is just the symptom. In order for him to pursue something outside of the marriage, he must have been feeling very lonely. He probably felt something was missing within the marriage. I think going to counseling is a great idea.

Often it takes a third party to see the truth about what has really been going on throughout the marriage. It also helps to figure out viable solutions and changes that need to be made in order to make it better (much better in your case). It’s easy to make the break-up about the emotional affair but it is ultimately no more than the cough would be when you have a cold. It’s just one of many symptoms. I think for now you should let go of that issue and focus on the more important parts of the marriage that didn’t work. If all of that is actually repairable, I don’t think he will seek something from the outside again. Kicking him out of the house might have been over kill. It is much easier to work on a marriage when both people live in the same home.

A. He is in a tough situation that is not uncommon. It all comes down to boundaries.

There are many different ways to handle this situation but I will offer you mine. He needs to tell her, that you are the person he is in love with and that it hurts him when she speaks ill of you and/or to you. He should tell her that he wants her in his life but he will not be around her when she is not treating you with respect and that she will not be welcome in your home. He also needs to tell her that it is also disrespectful to him because she is judging his life choices. In the end, she will ultimately have to alter her behavior if she chooses a relationship with you both. A behavior change will probably never happen as long as he doesn’t set his own boundaries.

A. This isn’t a work relationship issue. Work relationships are about work. They are not friendships. They are without attachment. Few people have just "work" relationships.

We usually spend more time with the people we work with than our families. The people we work with slowly but surely become a family. The relationships are personal and how we are treated matters.

were slighted and nothing hurts more than not being asked "to the table." Everyone needs and wants to be included. Your feelings are valid so you can stop trying to make them insignificant (which was exactly how your co-workers made you feel).

Here are your choices: You can ask why you weren't invited or you can let it go. It serves no purpose to hold on to the pain. If you don’t ask you will always wonder where you stand with each and every one of your "friends." Maybe it was unintentional, maybe it wasn't. Were they just being inconsiderate or was it really about you? You have no way of knowing without asking. Maybe they were making some kind of assumption about you that just wasn't true. I contend not knowing is far more painful than whatever the truth may be. Regardless, in the end, you will probably have to change your expectations around your work friends or you may continue to experience disappointment.

A. First he needs to go to an anger management class. Second he needs on-going therapy. I would never let a man in my life that had anger issues much less let him live with me. How could you ever know if and when he is going to hit you instead of the wall? How could you ever feel safe and secure in your own home? Rage is a serious issue and needs to be taken seriously.

Now going one step further, I think you need to consider going to counseling. What would cause you to attract and be in a relationship with an angry dangerous man? I’m sure a good counselor could help you get some prospective on this. Good luck.

A. Guilty, why? For freeing both of you to find partners that could be better matches and actually make you happy?

Lonely? I define lonely as lack of connection. I can’t think of anything lonelier than being with someone and not feeling connected.

There is a big difference in being alone and lonely. Being alone can be freeing especially if you can learn to love your own company.

Depressed? Why is that? You freed yourself from a marriage that didn't work so you could start a new fulfilling life. You can now have an extraordinary relationship with a new supportive partner who loves you and himself enough to be financially responsible.

No one gets out of any relationship without a period of grief and with that the potential for depression. It should pass but you will have to make the effort to enthusiastically invite in a rich, fulfilling life that includes new opportunities and fun activities that provide you with joy.

A. A midlife crisis? I don’t think so. If after 20 years of marriage, someone says that he or she wants to move out, things are serious. The best thing you can do at this point is request that you go to couples counseling together. This should help each of you reach an understanding about what has really transpired in your relationship and where you both are emotionally. It takes a lot of thought and reflection to decide something this major at any time in your life. I highly encourage GOOD counseling. If you don't have at least the beginnings of mutual understanding by the end of the first session, you need a different counselor.

A. You aren’t doing either one of you any favors by staying in a relationship that doesn't work. As human beings (especially as women), we tend to see the potential in others and ignore the behavior. Behavior is everything. I know it might seem unfair to end the relationship because he moved for you but you gave it a good go. It’s done.

A. You can clean up the entire mess by hiring someone. You probably didn't mind doing the cleaning at first because the excitement of the relationship and living together got the best of you. But that’s over. You can talk to him about it. But I seriously doubt he will decide to start cleaning. He was pretty clear from the beginning that was something he didn't do. So, you can still clean with resentment or quit living together, it doesn't mean the relationship has to be over just the co-habitation. In your situation, I would give up what ever I had to financially to hire someone.

A. So what is their priority? Cleaning the house? You cannot make relationships a priority for your friends, but you can for yourself. I keep relationships my number one priority by asking myself if, in the long run, it will be more important to me that I do all the paperwork overflowing off my desk or that I said yes to dinner with a friend. When someone asks me out, I figure out how to say yes.

If you want to spend time with a particular friend, ask that person out over and over until he or she agrees to carve out some quality time for you. If you never get a yes, notice how clean his or her house is. Obviously your relationship just isn't a priority. Move on to the next friend.

A. The only way to attract a healthy relationship is to be healthy. We all end up with the same type of person with the same types of issues over and over until we "get it.” The only way to "get it" is to be aware of what "it" is. Awareness is the first step, the second step is getting help to fix “it."

A. You know, we all see stories about people finding their first love again after way to many years and living happily ever after.

We only know these stories because they are so rare they become a media event.

I strongly urge you to get together with the first love over a cup of coffee. It has been twenty years. You have both changed. If you are completely "present", you will probably find you are not attracted to him anymore. He is nothing more than a romantic notion that you have clung to since your teens. I'm sure you still desire the feeling you had with him so long ago but it doesn't have to be him who gives it to you. If you found someone else that made you feel like your first love, it would take away your deep longing and the issue with the friend goes away because he can talk all he wants about the first love but you are with a new one so it just doesn't matter anymore.

If you are still attracted to the first love after you meet or even if you don't get to meet, you will have to discontinue your relationship with the friend. Even if you get the friend to not tell you about the love anymore, it's like the elephant in the room. It's just too painful and not worth it. I believe in destiny. If you and the first love are supposed to be together it will happen at the exact right time. Be patient.

A. All evidence indicates that this relationship should have ended long ago. You should have just been best friends and skipped the repeated attempts to make it something it isn't and never has been. There just isn't enough here to salvage.

Note:
I know it is difficult to confront when you are in the midst of it, but there is no wasted time in relationships. No one starts out perfect at anything, particularly when it comes to relationships. Building a healthy relationship is a trial-and-error process. Mature people take the lessons they can from all their former relationships and move on to healthier ones.

Most people stay in relationships too long because they are afraid of the grief and pain that comes with loss. Look forward to the opportunity of real love with the right partner in the future and hope for an easy transition out of the one you are in with as little pain as possible. Maybe next time you will have higher standards and draw better boundaries. Hopefully you will never again pick someone who doesn't give you all that you desire and deserve.