Questions & Answers - sex
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for slightly over one year. It is the first serious relationship either of us has been in, and we both openly express our love for one another. On the surface, it seems like a very healthy and happy relationship. However, I struggle with not feeling physically attracted to him. We have sex a few times a week, but I never initiate. Also, I am on anti-depressants that have resulted in a low sex drive. He doesn't seem too bothered by our sex life. I, on the other hand, am becoming increasingly concerned over it. I have been unable to reach orgasm with him. Although I love him dearly and consider him my best friend, I am having trouble finding any physical attraction to him. There is nothing he could change that would make me more attracted to him. I am in love with him (emotionally) and I know he is in love with me in all aspects of the word, very much. I don't know what to do. I feel like our relationship is strong and I couldn't imagine breaking up with him. However, I fantasize about other people and even do so when we are intimate. Do you think the relationship is doomed? Our relationship is incredible (apart from my lack of sexual fulfillment) and I couldn't imagine not having him in my life.
A. While you have provided me with a great deal of information, some key components are missing that would help me give you a more specific answer.
The best I can do here is provide some general information. First, anti- depressants are powerful drugs that can alter your ability to experience things as they truly are. Did you have orgasms with other men before? Did you have them when you weren't on anti-depressants? Here is the question: Is the real problem the sex, drugs, or your partner? There is no way of knowing. Drugs can absolutely alter your sexual chemistry and if you haven't been on them with someone else, you can't say for sure that the issue is with your current partner.
You say there is no physical attraction but that isn't the same as sexual chemistry. Sex can always be improved with good open communication and a high desire to make it work on the part of both people. Fantasizing about other people is way more common than most people think and I wouldn't use it as a measure. Physical attraction can be visual but it can also be just a feeling. I contend you must have had one of these in the beginning to even get in the relationship. To stay "in love" you would also have to have some component of it still.
In general, I don't recommend that people stay in long term relationships that include unsatisfying sex. Sex is a silent third partner in good relationships. If you figure out together how to make the sex better then you will both be happier. I don't believe you should even attempt this until you re-evaluate with your Dr. the anti-depressant issue. In this situation, it could be the real culprit and you might need to find an alternative to the one you are taking. Please share all of this with your boyfriend. Finding solutions to complicated problems is part of a great partnership and he deserves to know.
Q. My husband and I decided to add some excitement to our sex life. We went on line seeking sex partners together. Online is filled with willing people, and those people became a reality.
Well, then it happened. We gave it a go. Maybe it works for other couples, but we crashed and burned. "How can you do that in front of me?" "But you wanted me to." "You have feelings for him, don't you?" This ultimately destroyed our marriage.
I feel violated and have shut down emotionally and physically. I am trying to understand why I did something so wrong against my better judgment and intuition. I am trying to understand why he would want to share me, then blame me. What do you think?
A. Your only mistake was not listening to your intuition. Anyone can misguide you but your intuition will never steer you wrong. Adding additional partners requires extraordinary communication, trust, and emotional security in a relationship with a solid foundation. Few couples have the emotional ability and stability (much less desire) to add partners to an already established relationship. Yes, there are many people who try it, but for most, the results are often less than stellar.
The reason he behaved this way was just a symptom. You were married to a man that didn't want to take responsibility for his own actions. Worse, he wanted to blame the outcome on the person in his life he should have loved and cherished the most. I am not saying you weren't at least partially responsible but there was way more to the demise of this relationship than one poor choice.
Q. I was with a guy a year ago. He had been separated and ended up going back to his wife. He is now separated again and is traveling around for his work. We live in different states. He has been e-mailing me now telling me he can't stop thinking of me and wants to see me. I can't stop thinking of him as well. So my mind thinks that I could have a hot sexy weekend with him just for fun. I know we can't be together but is it ok to meet up with him for some of the best sex I have ever had in my life and leave it at that?
A. This seems like a general question with many of the details left out. If you are thinking about each other all the time and you “can’t be together” my feeling is there is much more going on here. Just addressing your question as is in a general kind of way: If neither of you are breaking any agreements with anyone else or each other and you feel it is just as simple as a “hot sex” weekend with no emotional strings attached, go for it.
Q. I have been dating an absolutely wonderful man for seven months. We recently spent several nights together on vacation and had sex for the first time. The sex was really good, but I couldn't help but think that it would be great if he lost about 75 pounds. This man is the most brilliant man I have ever dated and has all the qualities I look for in a partner (intelligence, education, good job, world traveler, sense of humor, fun, etc.) I can see us getting serious if I allow it, but his weight is an issue with me if this is to become a serious relationship. Should I discuss it with him now, later, or not at all? Should I allow it to be a deal-breaker or get therapy to work through it?
A. First, let me just tell you - this guy is a keeper and with your support the package might just end up shrinking.
Would the sex be "great" if he were in better physical condition and could perform better or because you would be more attracted to him?
The quality of sex is based on two things: sexual compatibility and your feelings. I look at the sexual compatibility part as someone's skill level based on mutual likes and dislikes. And of course, the more you care about a person the more you enjoy the sex. Remember this: Physical attraction is just a point of view. Good counseling will help you realize that the Prince Charming you have, just looked a little different than the one you envisioned in your dreams.
Do you know if he wants to work on his weight? Seems like he would have talked about it by now. Even if it is unspoken there are several things you can do to contribute to his health in a positive way. You can eat low-calorie meals when you are together either at home or out. You can go for long walks instead of watching TV and perhaps go on more active dates. Men generally lose weight easier than women, so a few adjustments in his diet and exercise could be enough for significant weight loss and a long lasting relationship.
Q. I am a newlywed and the marriage is wonderful. Our sex was phenomenal before we were married! Now I am finding that I have to work really hard to become aroused. Why do you think that is, and what should I do about it? I love my husband and I do not want this to weigh on the relationship!
A. I suggest that every time you have sex, you change your point of view and revert (at least in your mind) to the role of girlfriend. Once your mind changes, your body should follow.
Roles change when we change the status of a relationship. You are no longer the girlfriend; you're the wife. Apparently it was easy for you to enjoy sex as the girlfriend, but being the wife somehow changed your point of view. Remember that's all it is-a point of view.
Q. My boyfriend and I were in a committed relationship. He moved away and he says he is now in a committed relationship with another lady. He says he loves me, wishes to keep our relationship open, and wants to see me whenever he is in town. I don't know what to make of it.
A. From this it sounds like he shouldn't be your "boyfriend" anymore. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope of this one being more than what he says it is, a "when in town". If he is being honest with both of you, then it is really up to you to decide if an occasional relationship is okay. As long as you are both clear about what it is and that he is not breaking any agreements he has with his current partner, then it is just a personal decision. Some people handle "when in town" relationships better than others.
Q.My husband and I have been together for ten years. We are still very happy in our relationship, but I'm looking to liven up our sex life. I would like it to be different and more balanced than it is now. What can I do?
A. It is not your partner's job to make sure your needs are met. It is your job to take care of your own needs by asking for what you want and need in all aspects of your life, especially in your relationship.
If you still have a good relationship after ten years, then you must still have good communication. By now you should be able to really discuss what you want without fear of hurting feelings. I bet he's long past ready for something different. Ask for what you want.
Q. I want more sex in my relationship with my husband. We have been together for 15 years and it seems like a good night's sleep is more important to him than fulfilling my sexual needs. Any suggestions?
A. If the problem is just a good night's sleep, you need to become more creative in your timing. How about Sunday morning after the first cup of coffee, but before the days plans get started? If it is about more than just sleep, that's a different matter. Real intimacy starts with honest communication. Ask for what you want and then ask if there is anything you need to do differently to get it.